Bye Felicia: A Farewell To Purchased Email Lists
Dearly Beloved Community,
We gather here today to mourn the passing of our questionable acquaintance, Purchased Email Lists. They left this world doing what they loved most: irritating literally everyone they touched.
[ACTUAL FACT: With a tragic 39% deliverability rate and sub-2% open rate, purchased lists were essentially the marketing equivalent of shouting into a void while setting money on fire.
Spam scrolls: Now available in self-destructing format!
Born in the wild west days of early digital marketing, Purchased Lists lived by the motto "quantity over quality." They promised riches beyond measure, much like that prince who keeps emailing me about his fortune (Still waiting on that wire transfer, Abimbola!).
Our departed acquaintance is survived by:
- Thousands of unsubscribe buttons (clicked with extreme prejudice)
- Countless spam filters who will miss their favorite workout routine
- One very confused guy named Steve who's still wondering how he got on a list for "Hot Singles Who Love Artisanal Cheese Making"
- Several blacklisted IP addresses now living in witness protection
- And millions of unopened emails eternally floating in digital purgatory
In lieu of flowers, please send your condolences to:
404 Bounced Email Avenue
Spam Folder, Internet 12345
(Please don't expect a delivery confirmation.)
Purchased Lists lived as they died - ignored by 98% of their recipients. They taught us valuable lessons, like "just because you can buy something, doesn't mean you should" (also applicable to late-night infomercial shopping decisions).
Let us remember Purchased Lists for what they were: a desperate attempt to shortcut relationship building. They walked so we could run... in the opposite direction.
Not Pictured: Unskippable 5-Minute Ads – Forced into extinction by sheer rage.
As we lower this outdated practice into its final resting place, let us take a moment to appreciate how far we've come. And let us solemnly swear to never again mistake "10,000 totally real emails guaranteed!!!" for actual marketing strategy.
The family requests that in lieu of purchasing lists, please make donations to your local "Learn How to Market Like a Human Being" foundation.
Services will be followed by a reception where we'll serve spam sandwiches and cookies (but 98% of them will go directly into the trash, for authenticity's sake).
Rest in Spam, questionable acquaintance.
Mournfully yours,
RJ
P.S. If you're still holding onto a purchased email list, it's time for some digital decluttering. And a consult with your favorite bartender at the Come Wright Inn. Just sayin.
